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A CELEBRATE RECOVERY TESTIMONY

My name is Missy, and I’m a believer in Jesus Christ.  Please join me in prayer.  My struggles and areas of recovery are co-dependency and A-Z character defects that include anxiety, depression, passivity, approval addiction, control issues, pride, low self-esteem, negativity, procrastination, and being addicted to myself.  I would like to be my own God, and at times, I still act that way.  I’m basically a selfish person, and would like for everything to go my own way.  As I look back over the mistakes I’ve made, I know that God’s way is better than mine, and I am really blessed to be here sharing my habits and hang-ups, which is basically my sin.  My hurts are usually the result of my sin, and how I’ve chosen to feel about the actions of others. 

With anxiety and depression, I remember as a little girl thinking that some day my mother would be dead, and as a result I would be alone.  At that moment, I curled up in her lap while she hugged me and asked what was wrong, but I simply said “nothing”, not revealing the truth about my feelings.  And I did that for a long time, which is why I took two 12-Step classes.  Before the first one was over, I knew that I wasn’t working the steps to my capacity.  I wasn’t allowing God to intervene for me.  And after facilitating a group and reviewing my answers, some of my responses today are still the same concerning my flesh, my desires, actions, and inactions, which is all my sin.  I’m told that I’m my own worst critic, which I think is Satan’s plan, to fool me into believing that situations will never get better; that I’ll never get better.  I refuse to accept that now, but at any moment I’m prone to let the negative thoughts in my head change from good to worse, which I’m still recovering from.  I’ve experienced suicidal thoughts off and on since I was a teenager, and struggled with what others would think of me if I took medication and went to counseling, which I sought for the first time in middle school.  God is continuing to help me recover from low self-esteem, and to trust him instead of looking for approval from others.

I grew up without my father because he was a dead-beat dad, a drunk, and didn’t support his family.  He also became a convicted criminal several times over.  I was always ashamed and embarrassed because I didn’t have a father, and because of the person that he was.  My family had many skeletons in the closet. What I wasn’t told about my father I gradually learned on my own by reading his name in the police blotter of the newspaper, or hearing bits and pieces of adult conversations, so I figured out the family secrets.  As I’ve grown older, God has told me that those situations were probably an embarrassment for other family members, so it was no wonder that those topics weren’t discussed. 

I was raised by my mother and grandmother, two very strong, tough-willed, independent women who worked hard at blue-collar jobs to provide for me and my 2 older brothers.  I have a few fond memories of my grandmother’s husband.  He would let me sit on his foot while I held onto his leg and walked me around the room, or would let me ride on his shoulders, but basically that was it.  He didn’t take an active parenting role, and wasn’t a positive male role model.  He was also an alcoholic and abusive toward my mother, grandmother, and brothers.  I remember he and my grandmother (who was also an alcoholic) drinking and driving, and my fear of us getting caught by the police, because they would hide their alcohol at times while my brothers and I sat in the backseat of the car.  I also remember being disappointed by my grandfather, who promised to take us back to the lake for swimming, or to the park, but for some reason, we never returned, and his broken promises began occurring more often. 

Once I figured out that we were poor, I was embarrassed about where I lived, not having the right clothes, and turning in free lunch tickets at school. Contributing to our financial problems was the lack of child support, my grandfather’s alcoholism, and my mother’s recurring poor health.  My grandfather favored one of my brothers and abused the other, which led to my grandmother divorcing him.  We always called him “Andy” not grandpaw, and I never realized the irony of that until one year ago.  When my parents divorced, my grandmother took the rest of us into her home, and I grew up with Andy for eight years, then suddenly he was gone without explanation.  They were simply divorced and my questions about his absence were unanswered.  At the time it was probably another embarrassing situation for my mother and grandmother, or they were trying to protect me from the facts, believing they were doing what was best.  

I never saw the expression of sadness or disappointment, or other healthy emotions from my family, so as I grew older I didn’t talk about how I felt.  I’m not sure I knew how I felt, but I must have wanted to cry so many times, because when I was very young and there was discussion of something unpleasant, like a relative dying, I’d always ask, “Did you cry?”  I even realized at the time that it was quite an unusual question.

God has revealed to me recently that I have abandonment issues, and my deceptive hidden belief is that if I don’t get close to anyone or allow them to get close to me, then they won’t leave or disappointment me, like my best friend did when I was about 6 years old.  Her family moved away one day without saying goodbye. My childhood church youth group friends never returned to church with their families after the congregation split over controversy.  I had grown close to these people for ten years, and suddenly they were gone without notice. 

When I was 17 years old, my first real boyfriend broke my heart when he lightheartedly asked what I would do if he didn’t take me to his prom.  I brushed it off, thinking he was joking, and he didn’t mention it again.  I soon learned from his co-worker that he was dating someone else, and that our relationship was over.  That wasn’t as difficult as when he purposely spoke negatively about me in a public, making sure I heard what he said.  For the first time in my life, the floodgates of tears opened up and flowed like a river.  I remember feeling so much physical pain and anguish that I vowed to never get that close again to another person to prevent the agony that was in my heart. 

When I was in high school, and then 10 years later, my father returned for two brief visits with money as compensation.  His promises to make up for lost time never happened.  My effort to locate him at the motel he said he was staying at turned up no one by his name. 

I never had closure in these relationships.  I will continue to experience disappointments in life, but God told me recently that I should place my trust in him, and not man.  He reminds me in Deuteronomy 31 to not be afraid or terrified (of anything), for the Lord my God goes with me; he will never leave me nor forsake me (which means: abandon, desert, leave, and disown).

Throughout my life as discussion of my father came up, I always said that I wasn’t affected by his absence, because I believed that I didn’t miss what I never had.  Later as an adult when I attended a very good discipling church, friends helped me realize that my father’s absence probably had something to do with the difficulty in my relationship with God at that time, and that was more than a decade ago.  When I realized that I didn’t have a relationship with God, I walked away from him, and placed all my time and effort in attending college so I could become someone important.  I gained my self-worth and pride in achieving personal accomplishments.  I later discovered that the dream job doesn’t exist, which I’ve searched for on a few occasions when discontented at work, moving from one unfulfilling position to the next without seeking Godly counsel.  Colossians 3:23 says: Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward.  It is the Lord Christ you are serving, not myself, not a man, employer, co-worker, or family member.

I know that God spared me from growing up with an alcoholic father.  My mother swore off alcohol after witnessing the direct effects it had on her in childhood and adulthood. She did express her feelings regarding that.  So, instead of being in a Chemical Dependency 12-Step group, my character defects lie elsewhere.  But I didn’t swear off alcohol in the beginning. I was never comfortable in singles’ bars, but still being so shy I needed alcohol to relax and take away my inhibitions.

For most of my life I’ve never felt comfortable around people that I didn’t know, and rarely had more than a few friends at a time.  I’ve allowed my hurts, habits, and hang-ups to prevent people from getting to know me, and vice versa.  I am by sinful nature introverted, self-conscious, and usually I’m unable to carry on more than an awkward conversation, which is another thing God and I are working on.  I still fall off the wagon with that character defect but God has told me not to give up.  In past counseling sessions, I memorized helpful positive self-esteem statements, so now I can certainly learn the peace of God, which transcends all understanding (Phil. 4:2).  The Holy Spirit tells me that when I focus on recovery, that peace can occur.  Yet sometimes because of my pride, I have difficulty separating personal achievements from the mercy and grace of God.  When I look a little deeper, I recognize that it is only by the grace of God that I am alive today, because when I wasn’t a Christian, I, or others could have been injured or killed when I was drinking and driving.  I could have been infected with any number of STDs, or could have died from making unwise decisions when I was looking for love and fulfillment from intimacy with men; the same men that I said abandoned me and couldn’t be trusted, or only wanted one thing.  I was looking for one thing too, and that was to be happy, which I thought could only come from being in a relationship with a man.  I had an affair with a married man, and for years afterward had a warped sense of pride from thinking that he chose to be with me instead of his wife.  There was some guilt involved, but it was just worldly sorrow.  I also gave in to the lust of my flesh and had a homosexual affair with my best friend.  I knew that my sins were wrong, because I attended church most of my life, but never had a relationship with Jesus.  I knew the Ten Commandments but chose not to follow them.

I went from one co-dependent relationship to the next, and after my 2nd live-in boyfriend moved out, the co-dependency continued long-distance over the phone.  We would talk to each other about our problems, but at the same time God was working in my life.  I began reading the “Left Behind” Christian book series, which was an integral part in helping me realize that I needed to have a relationship with God.  I began praying more and by the end of summer I was asking God to take away my desire to be with this man, but ironically at that same time he wanted to reunite and get married.  He even said he’d join me at church and live a pure lifestyle, and it was only by the strength of God that I was able to say no to him before and after becoming a Christian 4 ½ years ago.  God delivered me from another round of insanity, but Satan continues to tempt me in many areas.  I might be reeping what I’ve sown from sins committed years ago, but Celebrate Recovery has given me the tools to keep fighting the temptations.

For years I struggled with shame and embarrassment of being molested as a child, a memory that was tucked away, which I didn’t remember until I was 19 years old.  When I was finally able to admit the pain, God surrounded me with loving Christian people who prayed for my deliverance.  I literally cried out for God’s help, but it didn’t come right away.  Over the years the memory faded, but occasionally the shame would re-surface, as it did during my first 12-Step class.  However, it appeared that the more I spoke about it, the less control Satan had over me with my feelings.  I don’t remember when that hurt was taken away, or when I recognized that I had no animosity or anger toward my brother, but at some point it just didn’t exist.  While the memory is still there, God has delivered me from the personal pain, and I can be in my brother’s presence without feeling awkward and uncomfortable.  I wish that I could blame my victimization on hurting others, because in childhood and adolescence, I was the coercer, asking others to do things that I was reluctant to do with my brother.  I’ve prayed for the people that I’ve harmed, and for God to deliver them from the hurt, shame, and embarrassment that I caused.  And if God ever places me in their presence, I’ll have to ask for their forgiveness as well.

As I sat at the computer worrying and procrastinating about preparing this testimony, I thought about Jesus’ words as he prayed to God (Matt. 26) to take away his desire by saying: may your will be done, not mine.  Of course, there is no comparison between our two situations.  He was facing an agonizing death.  Daily I face the temptation of living a selfish lifestyle. 

I need to remind myself that the R in the acrostic "Recovery" Principle requires me to ‘Realize that I am not God.  I can’t control my tendency to do the wrong thing, and my life is unmanageable’ without him when I do things my way.  I also need to remember the 2nd Recovery Principle - E: ‘Earnestly believe not only that God exists (which I do), but to Earnestly believe (which means seriously & sincerely) THAT I MATTER TO HIM, and that he has the power to help me recover.”  God breaks my cycle of insanity when I do the same things over and over again, but expect different and better results.  He’s done this gradually, which is “not as I would have it” maybe at a slower pace because I choose to relapse and rely on my character defects. 

I believe God has placed me in positions to test my next move or decision, or allowed me to accept temptation and live with the choices of my sins, and hopefully learn from my mistakes.  As John 15 says: “He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful”.  My walk with God can be compared to a beautiful rose bush.  He wants me to be strengthened, to grow and flourish, and produce more beautiful blooms.  To allow growth sometimes requires trimming the limbs.  God prunes me to improve my character, which is painful and it hurts, and dealing with that growth is challenging.  That’s why I’m grateful that I have people at Celebrate Recovery who are willing to listen and encourage me during this growth process. 

Almost everyone has a potentially embarrassing past, and when I speak mine out loud, I should not feel fear since I believe Psalm 91.  Because God lives in me, ‘he will not allow harm or disaster to come near me, because he has commanded his angels to protect me wherever I go’ (NIV, NLT).  Celebrate Recovery is a safe place to share my testimony, but if it leaves these four walls, then it’s accomplishing exactly what God wanted.  I am a child of God, and my sins are forgiven.  Jesus said he did not come to the world to judge it, but to save it (John 12:45 NIV).  It is important for me to remember that God chose me to be a daughter of the King (John 15:16), which makes me his Princess, and one day Jesus Christ, my best friend, will give me a beautiful crown that I’ll be so pleased with, that I’ll return it back to its rightful owner at his feet.  I’m humbled to think that my Savior first wore a crown of thorns so that I can say that I know that my Redeemer lives in me.  Thank you for letting me share.