CELEBRATE RECOVERY

CODEPENDENCY AND ENABLING

Bethlehem Church
Gastonia, NC

Fridays 7 - 10 p.m.

DEFINITION OF CODEPENDENCY

From the book
“LOVE IS A CHOICE”

“In its broadest sense, codependency can be defined as an addiction to people, behaviors, or things. Codependency is the fallacy of trying to control interior feelings by controlling people, things, and events on the outside. To the codependent, control or lack of it is central to every aspect of life.

The codependent may be addicted to another person. In this interpersonal codependency, the codependent has become so elaborately enmeshed in the other person that the sense of self-personal identity- is severely restricted, crowded out by that other person’s identity and problems.

CODEPENDENCY SAYS:

I have little or no value
Other persons and situations have all the value
I must please other people regardless of the cost to my person or my values
I am to place myself to be used by others without protest
I must give myself away
If I claim any rights for myself, I am selfish

Jesus taught the value of the individual. He said we are to love others equal to ourselves, not more than. A love of self forms the basis for loving others. The differences between a life of service and codependency take several forms.

Motivation differs. Does the individual give his service and himself out of free choice or because he considers himself of no value? Does he seek to “please people”? Does he act out of guilt and fear? Does he act out of a need to be needed (which means he actually uses the other person to meet his own needs; the helpee becomes an object to help the helper achieve his own goals).

Service is to be an active choice. The person acts; codependents react.
Codependents behavior is addictive rather than balanced. Addictions control the person instead of the person being in charge of their own life.
Codependents have poor sense of boundaries; they help others inappropriately (when it creates dependency on the part of the other person rather than moving that person toward independence). They have trouble setting limits for themselves and allow others to invade their boundaries.
A codependent’s sense of self-worth is tied up in helping others; Christianity says that a person has worth simply because he is a human being God created. Ones self-worth is separate from the work one does or the service one renders.
Codependents have difficulty living balanced lives; they do for others at the neglect of their own well-being and health; Christian faith calls for balanced living and taking care of oneself.
Codependent helping is joyless; Christian service brings joy.

Codependents are driven by their inner compulsions; Christians are God-directed and can be free from compulsiveness, knowing that God brings the ultimate results.

STRENGTHS OF A CODEPENDENT:

High-level of organizational ability, as well as the ability to practice a wide variety of tasks and learn additional ones quickly; ability to do enormous amounts of work for a minimal payoff.

High level of nurturing and caretaking skills; crisis intervention skills; delayed
gratification of own feelings/needs indefinitely.

Capacity to never ask “What’s in this for me?”

Diplomacy and emotional manipulation; stability; loyalty.

ENABLING

Enabling is defined as reacting to a person in such a way to shield him or her from experiencing the full impact of the harmful consequences of behavior. Enabling behavior differs from helping in that in permits or allows the person to be irresponsible.
PROTECTION from natural consequences of behavior. KEEPING SECRETS about behavior from others in order to keep the peace. MAKING EXCUSES for the behavior. (School, friends, legal authorities, work, other family members.) BAILING OUT of trouble. (Debts, fixing tickets, paying lawyers, providing jobs.) BLAMING OTHERS for dependent person’s behavior. (Friends, teachers, employers, family, SELF.) SEEING THE PROBLEM AS THE RESULT OF SOMETHING ELSE. (Shyness, adolescence, loneliness, child, broken home.) AVOIDING the chemically dependent person in order to keep peace. (Out-of-sight, out-of-mind.) GIVING MONEY THAT IS UNDESERVED/EARNED. ATTEMPTING TO CONTROL. (Planning activities, choosing friends, getting jobs.) MAKING THREATS that have no follow-through or consistency. TAKING CARE OF the chemically dependent person. (Doing what he/she should be expected to do for themselves.)

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”
2 Corinthians 12:9